My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Barsexuality is the new black.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
