I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
