It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
