you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
