I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
