if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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