I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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