Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
