We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My penis needs a shock collar
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
