I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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