Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
