So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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