I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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