i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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