Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
