we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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