Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Randomize
