i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
