I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
