i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I use my feet as sexual weapons
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
