I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The best revenge is premature balding
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
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