the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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