I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
