after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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