Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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