as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
