Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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