But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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