Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Randomize
