I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
