I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
