He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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