i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
