i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
