you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
