I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
