If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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