one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
