When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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