I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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