Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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