i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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