The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
