I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
