I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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