The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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