I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
