and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
