Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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