I accidentally burped into my bong.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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